


Whiskey Lullaby

by ironniek



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Drama, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-05-25 12:21:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6194947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ironniek/pseuds/ironniek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>''The angels sang a Whiskey Lullaby'' Warning; Character death, and suicide, as well as alcoholism.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whiskey Lullaby

**Author's Note:**

> Yup, another Whiskey Lullaby fic to torture you guys again. I again changed the she in the song to he.  
> Enjoy!

Often things that last lose their beauty, they become plain and hard to read. Pain lasts, pain isn’t beautiful. Most people can’t explain why we feel it, why we need to feel it. Why does the body express its feelings in such a way. Pain is an odd thing.

It can be explained though; we feel the need to feel pain even if the feeling isn’t wanted. It assures us that everything is real. It keeps us from drifting away. It makes the unbearable bearable and the impossible possible.

 

Pain is something we inflict on others, something we sometimes don’t want to do to others. Something we like to share with others. Something we like to give to others.

 

He’s in pain, he’s in so much pain and no one can help him. 

He has no one left.

 

**He put him out,**

**Like the burning end of a midnight cigarette.**

**He broke his heart,**

**He spent his whole life trying to forget.**

**We watched him drink his pain away, a little at a time,**

**But he never could get drunk enough to get him off his mind,**

**Until the night...**

 

They don’t know the real story; he hasn’t told anyone the real story. They wouldn’t listen and he didn’t want to try. He wanted it to stop hurting, he wanted his friends back but they all chose the other side. They chose the side of the liar and he’s alone.

‘’Maybe it’s best for you to leave’’ Pepper said when she visited his floor. Tony knew the sentence was supposed to be ‘we don’t want you here, you’re pathetic and we want you gone’. Tony just shook his head and continued on his work.

Natasha wasn’t talking to him but he didn’t mind. Silence was better than hearing people you care about calling you unworthy. Natasha didn’t trust him anymore.

Bruce’s eyes were always clouded with sadness and disappointment whenever he would look at Tony. He was the only one who didn’t accuse but he expected something and that made it worse. Bruce didn’t trust him anymore.

Clint threw him filthy looks every time Tony would look at him. He expected this from everyone but Clint, who has shown so much support in him after the wedding. Clint believed Tony would not screw this up, he was the only one telling the rest to calm down because ‘Tony’s got this’. Clint didn’t trust him anymore.

Thor was just plain angry. It was difficult to read the guy so the team asked him to go back to Asgard for a while so he didn’t try to kill Tony. They cared that much.

Steve… Steve was acting innocent. Steve was playing victim. Steve has betrayed the one he loves and has put it away in a small box. Steve was scared and hurt. Steve didn’t know what to do anymore.

 

Tony came home to the sound of moans from the bedroom; he had time to think it was odd and assume it was Steve talking in his sleep again. With every step he took closer to the bedroom the noise became louder. He could make out a woman’s voice and his heart sunk. He opened the door to see Steve in bed with Sharon. Something he, in the back of his head, has always expected to happen. Tony made eye contact with Steve and only shook his head; he closed the door and walked away. When he turned around he saw Steve trying to reach him, pants loose on his hips and his face flushed. Tony shook his head again and told him to go away; he turned around and took the elevator down to the workshop.

Hours later Natasha broke into his workshop and only came to tell him we was pathetic and that he was destined to screw everything up.

He was confused, why was he guilty in all of this? Before he could say anything she was out of the workshop again, leaving him alone and confused. Later that night he discovered that Steve had gone to Natasha, breaking down in tears and not being able to utter a word. She just assumed, they all did.

He picked up a bottle and started drinking.

 

**He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger,**

**And finally drank away his memory.**

**Life is short, but this time it was bigger**

**Than the strength he had to get up off his knees** **_._ **

 

No one came to see him for a few days; the pain was already burning in his system. It could possibly also be the alcohol. He felt so alone and he didn’t stand a chance anymore. They all believed Steve’s silence and tears and didn’t bother to ask him anything. He was so alone.

He didn’t leave his workshop anymore. He didn’t want to see the outside world anymore. The bottle was his best friend and sleep his gravest enemy. He made the team what they needed even if they didn’t ask for it but he never went out himself.

Days passed by, months even and he was only getting worse. He started to drink more and eat less; he hardly slept and kept his workshop locked up from the outside world. Pepper got in one day and told him it might be best for him to go to Malibu for a while, the message was clear; they didn’t want him here anymore. She told him his bags were packed and Happy was willing to take him to the airport. She also told him it’s best he’d go, leaving him no decision. 

2 days after that he was sitting in the back seat of Happy’s car, his friend wasn’t saying anything to him. Tony understood that, he didn’t know what he would say if he heard about what happened. He thought it would be nice to have a friend at his side.

‘’I miss how things used to be’’ Happy says silently and Tony sees him looking through the mirror. His eyes are sad but honest, maybe he hasn’t lost everyone over this. Tony nods his head and doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t know what to say until they reach the airport and Tony has to get on the plane.

‘’I know, I miss it too’’ he manages to smile and then walks into the airplane, not looking back because he knows he will break.

 

**We found him with his face down in the pillow,**

**With a note that said, 'I'll love him 'til I die'.**

**And when we buried him beneath the willow,**

**The angels sang a Whiskey Lullaby**

 

Being back in Malibu was worse, it held happy memories and he wanted everything but happiness. It would always be a clue to him how Steve could keep this up. How could he inflict the pain he caused on himself, how he could mislead the whole team into thinking Tony did wrong. He doesn’t know and he doesn’t want to know. He still loves him, he will always love him.

 

A month after he’s back in Malibu it all ends. No one tells him Steve has told the team what has really happened that day. No one tells him that they all regret how they acted and they feel bad about it all. No one can tell him because he can’t listen.

 

Steve finds him when he visits, lying on his chest in the middle of the living room, their living room. As soon as he touches Tony he knows everything is wrong, as soon as he turns Tony around he breaks. Tony doesn’t look like Tony, he’s small. He’s dead.

Steve spots the arc reactor missing from his chest, lying in pieces on the ground next to Tony’s gloved hand. He almost laughs at the irony of the situation, ripped and crushed his own heart. He has to think back to their wedding vows. ‘I would rather rip my heart out than live a lonely life without you, you own my heart’. And he did, he ripped out his heart.

Steve is silently crying and he loses all track of time, he doesn’t know how long he’s seated there until he calls Natasha, saying that he’s bringing Tony’s body home. When he hangs up he spots a note in his hand, it’s folded neatly and it has his name on it. Steve unfolds it and starts to read.

 

_ Stevie, _

_ I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, I don’t know if you’ll ever come see me again but I had to say goodbye right? I don’t know if you deserve my goodbye but even in death I wouldn’t forgive myself. _

_ I know you won’t mourn for me, seems you were over me already. _

_ If I had the chance I would ask you why you did it, no one would let me get close to you after that day. Do you know how they treated me? You probably don’t. _

_ Seeing now I shouldn’t have written this letter, you don’t deserve it but Stevie, I love you so much. I haven’t ever stopped loving you, where have you stopped loving me? _

_ You were supposed to be my always Stevie. Jokes on me I guess I can’t have... can’t feel real love. _

_ I guess I’m sorry? That I left you? That I didn’t love you enough? I’m sorry. _

_ I’m sorry for you leaving me, I’m sorry for not being enough, I’m sorry for not loving you enough. _

_ I have to go Stevie, I really have to. I can’t be like this. _

 

_ Goodbye my sweet captain, I hope we’ll meet again. I love you. _

_ TS _

 

Natasha calls him back but he doesn’t pick up, he keeps staring at the letter Tony managed to write so neatly. Tony, his Tony, is gone and Steve is breaking into a million pieces because it’s his fault. It’s his fault and he didn’t do anything to fix this. He isn’t a hero; he’s a coward who was too scared to open up to his own husband. Nothing will ever be as it was and it’s his entire fault. He reads the letter again and spots Tony using Stark instead of Rogers as his last name. He screams and screams until he has no voice left. He breaks.

 

The day they held the memorial service for Tony was one filled with tears and kind words. Everyone spoke but Steve, he couldn’t do it. He just sat there, all empty and not saying a word. It almost seemed like he didn’t listen. When they reached the cemetery it was raining. Steve could not help but find it slightly amusing that even Mother Nature seemed to be mourning the loss of the man. He hasn’t shed a tear so far, hasn’t dared to do that. The memory of Tony is still fresh in his mind and he wants to contain that memory. He doesn’t want to see the casket; he doesn’t want to see the empty body. It all seemed so surreal, not having Tony beside him and listening to his annoying but cute and snarky comments. To not hear any jokes or get a random kiss like Tony used to give him. To not lean into Tony’s warm and strong embrace anymore even though he was a few inches shorter. It all changed to feeling empty and cold. It changed to feeling alone and desperate for his warm touch. 

The spot they chose for Tony was incredibly beautiful, his grave was placed under a large willow tree, the ground covered with yellow and orange leafs. The team chose the spot, Steve chose the headstone. Steve also decided which words would be on the headstone; he decided the stone would read ‘Tony Stark’ instead of ‘Tony Rogers’. He decided the stone would read ‘More than my own heart’ and apart from those two lines that it would be empty. Tony was so willing to change his last name for him, to really be the family he never had. Steve didn’t feel worthy anymore. The team didn’t look at him like it was his fault. They looked at each other and thought it was their fault. They just assumed.

 

When everyone started to leave Steve stayed seated in his chair and keeps staring at the grave. He still hadn’t said a word, trying to find some words to say. 

‘’Hey Tones’’ he chokes out and finally starts to cry ‘’I don’t know if you wanted me here, I don’t know if you wanted me to say goodbye’’ tears are streaming over his face as he sits there in the rain. ‘’I didn’t treat you right. I don’t know why I slept with Sharon’’ Steve whispered as he stared at the headstone. He stared at his husband’s name and it only made him feel emptier. ‘’I- We were doing fine’’ Steve shook his head ‘’I want you to tell me where you think we went wrong’’ he says and looks up at the remaining leafs on the tree, water was dripping down from them and it seemed like the tree was crying. Steve sat there until he was completely soaked. When he decided to go home he saw something out of the corner of his eye. When he looked he saw Tony, or at least some version of the genius. He ran towards the guy but before he could reach him Tony was gone again, having blown him a kiss and disappearing into thin air.

Steve screamed until he had no voice left and then took a cab home where he would grab a bottle of alcohol and see if he could get drunk this time.

 

**The rumors flew,**

**But nobody knew how much he blamed himself.**

**For years and years,**

**He tried to hide the whiskey on his breath.**

**He finally drank his pain away a little at a time,**

**But he never could get drunk enough to get him off his mind,**

**Until the night...**

 

It hurt Natasha the most to see her best friend fall into a downward spiral. It hurt because she somehow felt like it was all her fault. Steve wasn’t himself, he was everything but himself. Steve didn’t know what he was without Tony by his side. He didn’t know how to act. It’s the 21st century and Steve isn’t home.

He soon discovered the alcohol wouldn’t cause any effect, no matter what he drank, no matter how much he drank. Steve would spend hours locked up in the workshop trying to find something that could help him get over the fact he couldn’t even keep the arc reactor, it was broken just like Tony was.

Natasha often tried to get him out of the house, to try and get him to join one of their missions. Nothing would help. She hated that Steve felt so guilty over the whole thing. She had tried so often to tell him that it wasn’t his entire fault.

He didn’t own the arc reactor; he didn’t own Tony’s heart. In the end he only wanted Tony’s wedding ring and he wore it on a chain around his neck. The letter Tony wrote him he always kept close. He was scared of losing that since it was his only connection to Tony.

After the funeral Steve often had hallucinations. The first one was the day of the funeral and he has been seeing Tony ever since. It was often telling him sweet things, happy memories and how much he loved him. On his bad days it was telling him he was a coward and Steve believed it. It came to a point where he started to think the hallucinations were real, that is was really Tony and Steve stared to forget about what happened.

Natasha didn’t think it could get worse than this and let it go.

Bruce’s eyes held a sad look when he looked at Steve and predicted that this would never go away. That this would only get worse and Steve would mentally drift away from them

Clint didn’t understand but wasn’t trying to understand either, he agreed with Natasha to let Steve mourn this way.

Thor wasn’t around that much but when he was he was always trying to talk sense into Steve, he was the only one that could.

Tony... Tony wasn’t there, Tony would never be there again.

 

**He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger**

**And finally drank away his memory**

**Life is short but this time it was bigger**

**Than the strength he had to get up off his knees**

**We found him with his face down in the pillow**

**Clinging to his picture for dear life**

 

He carried Tony’s picture everywhere he went, as a reminder of what he did. He wanted to keep the image of Tony fresh in his head, he didn’t want to forget him. The team thought he was doing fine, he would drink to try and get drunk but he never could. He hated it.

He was still Steve, still Captain America and he has a duty. The team noticed he would more easily put himself in harms way every time, the team didn’t know it was that bad. They would always keep Thor around Steve so he couldn’t hurt himself too bad.

It all went wrong one month after the funeral, there was an avengers call in the middle of the night, Steve wasn’t asleep so it wasn’t that hard to get ready. He was tired, he barely slept and didn’t have much energy because he barely ate enough to stay alive. The team didn’t know that either.

He has kept himself hidden most of the time, being in Tony’s workshop to just go through all of his stuff. It was so empty there without the guy’s presence and he missed him so much.

The battle went well until it all took a turn for the worse, the bad guy mentioned Tony to mess with Steve and he lost his focus. Natasha saw it all happen but couldn’t reach him, Clint thought he would save himself and Thor was too far away also.

Steve didn’t even fight back, he took hit after hit and didn’t fight back. He let it happen and when Natasha reached him she couldn’t save him anymore. Steve smiled at her in his last moment, Natasha couldn’t stop some tears from escaping her eyes. She could see Tony’s picture in his hand and understood then what was happening. 

‘’It’s alright, I’m going to see him again” Steve whispered with a broken voice but he sounded happy, he sounded more hopeful than he has been in the last few weeks and Natasha accepted it was okay. She smiled at him and took hold of his hand just as Steve breathed his last breath. His eyes slipped close and the look on his face was peaceful instead of a painful one. Steve was finally at peace, he was going back to Tony.

 

**We laid him next to him beneath the willow** ****  
**While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby**  
  


 

The rain fell softly around the funeral scene when they reached the cemetery. Natasha couldn’t help but laughs at the similarities between this one and Tony’s. They choose a headstone similar to Tony’s and because Steve would have wanted it they only put his name on there. They put it up as Steve Rogers-Stark because Natasha thought Steve would like that. 

She stood there with Clint, looking the two headstones that were appropriately placed directly beside each other and she didn’t cry. This was for the better, they were together again. She still felt guilty for how she treated Tony but knows the genius would have forgiven her if she could have apologised.

She spotted something moving from the corner of her eye and glanced away from the headstones. Someone stepped from behind the large willow tree, someone that could only be Steve. A second person stepped out after him, Tony, and Natasha smiled. She didn’t tell Clint about it and kept staring at the two. She of course knew that this wasn’t real but it felt good to see them.

Tony grabbed hold of Steve’s hand and waved at Natasha before they walked away, a goodbye carried to her by the wind. The two figures walked away together before they faded.

Everything was alright now.


End file.
